Monthly Archives: October 2023

Crook Books

I seem to have turned to a life of crime.

I am immersed in old novels of mystery and detection.

My mom coulda been shocked and ashamed (think of a teary-eyed matron: “He’s a good boy…”), but she first introduced me to Hercules Poirot.

My dad woulda said “Whadda ya expect from a kid who’d rather read a book than change the oil in the car.”

Janie, the love of my life; “He’ll get over it. Next week it’ll be giraffes in outer space. He’s retired and having a fine time.”

Oh, but I’ve had a nefarious past. On stage I’ve murdered (“Deathtrap,” Dial M for Murder,” “Ceremony of Innocence”, and “Sweeney Todd”), I’ve stolen (Glengarry Glen Ross,” and “Little Foxes”), I’ve evaded taxes (“You Can’t Take It With You,”) and I’ve tried miserably to play Dracula, which was a crime unto itself.

But that was the theatre.

Now it’s the written word.

That’s powerful stuff.

I blame it on a local bookseller. He shrewdly showed me a group of criminous novels by Emile Gaboriau he had just obtained. Having read the canons of Arthur Conan Doyle and Paul Feval in the past, I was open to exploring the originator of Monsieur LeCoq. That led me back to re-read Sherlock’s adventures.

The same bookseller then lured me to a pile of beautifully maintained mystery novels published in the 1930’s by the Mystery League for cigar shops and drug stores. Some were good, most were…not so much, but they took me to the pre-WWII seaside villages, pubs, trains, pubs, church graveyards, pubs, estuaries, and pubs of England. This is not the between-the-wars England of Agatha Christie (not that there’s anything wrong with that.) These often tawdry stories have also taken me to German castles, Parisian bordellos, New Orleans unrestrained Mardi Gras bacchanals, the treacherous dressing rooms of Philadelphia department stores, and New York speakeasies. What’s not to like?

Currently, I’m hanging out with the obnoxious Philo Vance, for whom no expense need be considered…for that matter no other person on the planet need be considered. Whatta guy.

And…

I am luxuriating in the mystery novels of Edmond Crispin (real name; Robert Bruce Montgomery) and his ever-so-erudite don/detective, Gervais Fen.

Tagging along with Professor Fen, I’ve visited post-WWII pubs, pulled the blackout curtains after dark, climbed into choir lofts, chased lost Shakespearean manuscripts and toy shops that move, lugged a pig head in a sack, run for Parliament, and protested animal cruelty sitting on a branch in a tree.

It’s been delightful, but I must caution. It’s best to read Crispin with a dictionary nearby. Gervais is verbose, has a serious vocabulary (word-wise and quote-wise), and is unabashed in employing same…and it’s very worth knowing what he’s saying. It’s usually apt and funny.

What have I learned thus far in this hazardous literary journey?

When in doubt, arrest the local publican.

The Blue Carbuncle

I know it’s early, but may suggest a Christmas movie?

If, like me, you’ve seen the standard yuletide fare the requisite three dozen times, and, like me, you have a pretty good idea of what to do with a general, and like me, you’ve avoided shooting your eye out, and like me, you really dread being forced to resort to the Hallmark Channel, you could clear your egg nog noggin with this.

I’ve begun an extended journey of revisiting the Sherlock Holmes canon as interpreted by Jeremy Brett.

To quote that jolly philosopher Joe Ferrell (who at least once shared a drink with Charles Dickens); “What a joy!”

And it is.

I first met Mr. Holmes as relentlessly portrayed by Basil Rathbone as a non-glamorous leading man in a drab 1940’s overcoat (there’s a reason why Errol Flynn got the girl in THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD), dragging a befuddled Dr. Watson around a foggy, criminous London as he skewers the flagitious verbally before he claps ‘em in irons.

Subsequent Sherlocks were just as fun to follow.

Ian Richardson was commanding and thoughtful. That Baskerville mutt gave him no paws.

Benedict Cumberbatch rode the razor rail of sanity and brilliance to bravely butt heads with that Napoleon of Crime; Professor Moriarty.

But Jeremy Brett continues to be the Holmes for me. Fiercely intelligent and fiercely impatient. Knows everything about poisons and smokes like a chimney. A master of disguise and occasionally has the fashion sense of Lebowsky in his flat. uber-sensitive to every nuance of a client’s usually unlikely conundrum and then barges out of the flat, oblivious to Mrs. Hudson’s prideful cuisine under cover on the table;

Holmes; “Come Watson! The trail is hot!”

Hudson; “Which is more than the dinner will be.”

The Brett version of Sherlock is immeasurably enhanced by the passage of time. Brett covers many cases over a number of television seasons. Thus, as we do in Doyle’s stories…and in life, we see Brett’s and Sherlock’s athletic energies wane, stamina fade, wrinkles grow, hairline weaken, and wheeze lurk a little closer to the surface. For some reason…this resonates with me and makes me feel even closer to the still fabulous consulting detective. I’m even considering starting a bee hive. IYKYK.

My favorite Jeremy Brett Sherlock is probably THE BLUE CARBUNCLE.

It’s London at Christmastime. There’s snow, visible breath, top hats, mufflers, various carriages, pubs, a pint of yer finest, and a missing blue gem with a blood-red history. How Dickensian can you get?

Wait!

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

How about geese?

I have a thing about a Christmas goose. Janie, on a whim, cooked a goose for our Christmas years ago and it has become a holiday comfort food for me ever since.

Several geese figure prominently in this story. Whose geese are they? Whence did they come? Wither did they go? Why? What did they eat? Who ate them? Who should go to jail? Whose hat is it?

A well-cooked goose answers most queries and worries.

Goose bless us every one!

Hey! I Got Tickets!

“Hey!

I got tickets for John Prine tonight. Wanna go?”

In the realm of stupid questions…

I know. I know. There are no stupid questions.

But Jesus!

“While out sailin’ on the ocean, while out sailin’ on the sea, I bumped into the Saviour and he said ‘Pardon me.’ I said, ‘Jesus, you look tired.’ And he said ‘Jesus, so do you.’” – John Prine.

It had been one of those livin’-too-near-the-abyss days. I had been berated by my customers (“This was cheaper last week”), berated by my employees (“I need the next three Saturdays off–I have a date/Why don’t you schedule more cashiers/The beer cooler is too cold to stock now”), and berated by my boss (Why is your payroll so high?). It had been a sweaty bike ride to work that morning, and promised to be a steamier ride home.

“He’s playin’ at the Idaho Round-Up tonight. First set’s at eight.”

The Idaho Round-Up was a local bar. Being local, it was about as far from Idaho as any place in Kentucky could be and the only round-up I could recall was when a bar in a nearby college town that my old band formerly played received a heads-up call from the local gendarmes to clear the room before the week-end patrol cowboys descended to check ID’s. Still, the name of the bar sounded good and was easy to pronounce and they managed to book some nice acts. Mr. Prine had played there with some regularity.

“The night club was burnin’ from the torch singer’s song and sweat was a’floodin’ her eyes. The catwalk creaked ‘neath the bartender’s feet and smoke was too heavy to rise.” – Prine.

The offer of tickets came from Richie Giallo, a wine salesman. Richie was gaunt, red-headed, tightly-strung and…okay…if you watched yourself. Have your store’s needs firmly fixed in mind before he babbled his blandishments, give him half what he asked for, chat about family matters, industry gossip, and the Reds’ chances…and then pull a reverse Columbo as he left; “Oh, by the way, here’s a few other things I need.”

I knew the dance

He knew I knew the dance.

I knew he knew I knew…

All God’s children got music.

Of course I jumped at the chance to see Mr. Prine again.

“…I feel a storm all wet and warm not ten miles away…approaching…” – Prine.

It was an evening of many unknowns.

It turned out that Richie actually had several tickets. He was sitting at a table near the stage with a couple unknown to me and a date I’d never met, all drinking undetermined quantities of something unidentifiable from which emanated slowly spinning bits of spark and tabletop-searing ash…yes, probably unhealthy.

I was sitting a couple of rows back at a table with another couple I didn’t know and a date I’d met the day before. It was a different time then.

Then Mr. Prine hit the stage and I was basking in the glow of being home with a one-man family for Thanksgiving.

“Grandpa was a carpenter, built houses, cars, and banks, chained-smoked Camel cigarettes and hammered nails in planks. He was level on the level.” – Prine.

I first met John Prine on the floor of a barren hippie-infested house near the University of Kentucky campus. There was little furniture, but there was a turntable and four long-playing vinyl discs (that’s what “lp” means for you whippersnappers out there). Three of the records were by Prine, the fourth was disc one (of four) of Wagner’s “Gotterdammerung” (one of the current residents was beginning to take German). I was not taking German, but was instantly hooked on Prine’s vocabulary.

“Onomatopoeia. I don’t wanna see ya speakin’ in a foreign tongue.” – Prine.

Then I saw him on stage for the first time in Centre College’s concert hall in Danville. It was a big, dark space. I was sitting in the upper level of the audience. Prine walked out with his guitar and a cigarette. It was just him, and a mike, and a stool with a glass of water. He bobbed and weaved and shuffled his leg in a puzzling way. He drawled and sang and giggled for over two hours about a life I never lived…and made it mine.

“…and the sky is black and still now on the hill where the angels sing. Ain’t it funny how an old broken bottle looks just like a diamond ring?” – Prine.

No dammit, it wasn’t funny. And no, I’ve never been on that particular hill. But Mr. Prine put me there…forever…and I thank him for it.

After that concert in Danville, I followed him through his records and local appearances. I saw him in concert venues and night clubs about a dozen times.

Tonight was fine as usual, but I was distracted.

My friend and host was in apparent distress. His head was drooping and his eyes were closed. His tablemates were laughing and pushing his floppiness around as if he were a Muppet until he was left sitting back in his seat, eyes still closed, and his head fully extended back with his Adam’s Apple pointing to the sky. It didn’t auger well for my friend’s well-being and I was, as usual, over-thinking the situation as to what, if anything, to do about it. Not so the other male component of our table. He swiftly and calmly moved and knelt behind my friend’s chair, straightened his head to a normal concert-watching position by cradling it in his arms. I followed him and assumed a similar posture on the other side of my friend’s chair. The other jolly’s at the table were at first dismayed by our intrusion, but still barely able to figure the odds, ultimately sat subdued and the six of us finished the performance in our new positions.

“That’s the way that the world goes ‘round. Yer up one day and then yer down. It’s a happy enchilada and you think yer gonna drown…” – Prine…sorta.

When the show was finished, I learned that my tablemate was an EMT. Under his instruction, we fastened my friend to his chair and conveyed him to the car. We drove him home, jimmied a large window on his porch, secured him to one of his own kitchen chairs and achieved putting him safely to bed. The EMT stayed with him through the night.

My friend was OK. I never saw the EMT, his date, my date, or any of the other participants again.

“I been brought down to zero, brought up and put back there. I sat on the park bench, kissed the girl with the black hair and my head hollered out to my heart; ‘Better look out below!’” –Prine.

I woulda liked to have helped more.

I woulda liked to have helped better.

But I lacked the knowledge and the skill.

“Before I took on anything too big, I’d wanna be sure I had a purty good cut man in my corner.” – John Steinbeck.